Twilight for all good kittens, aye? Maybe pizza is a better breakfast than baked yak. I really don't know, but I am here to introduce the third issue of Short Bus Degenerates. At least I have myself under the impression that I am about to introduce it. Kids, should I? I can tell by the drool coming out of our mouths that we do agree. So, enough cosmic pondering, let's go!

Billy Bob was a pizza delievery boy by day, and a crank user by night. This means that he never got any sleep. As a matter of fact, he hadn't slept for 9 years. This meant that he had bags under his eyes that rivaled the grand canyon.

Most nights were spent in his living room watching channel 57, which in his little speed infested town it was called "Methamphetamine TV." It was during a meth-saturated commercial that he saw an ad for a new drug. It sped a person's heart up and caused it to explode at an early age, just like meth. It was called salt, and it was good on food.

At this point, Billy Bob started buying salt off a local salt dealer, and began eating lots of pizzas, laden with salt, and it was all good. Billy Bob started to gain weight, and started to get some sleep. He became healthy, and then he kicked the salt habit, and became a vegetarian.

This was a public service announcement for the ":Salty fight against crank Foundation."


And now Salty Load is here to tell you about where to find salt. "Hey, kids, you can find salt at your local grocery store. Or you could get the sodium equivalent to crystal meth, MSG at your local Chinese restauraunt. Or, my favorite meth-od... bad pun... is man meat! MMMMMMMMMMMM Good! Love that salt! So, fuck crank, and do salt!"

As a matter of fact, it is the middle of the night, and I am still awake. It is not what you are thinking, though... I have NOT been doing crank! NO! I just can't get to sleep! So, what do I do when I can't sleep.... write some SBD! Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I am not tired enough to write completely nonsense text like in the previous issues... maybe if I listen to what I am listening to for long enough I will. I am listening to one of my two main inspirations for this text series... WEEN!!!! WEEN!!! I love Ween! My other inspiration would have to be Jiffy Squid. I doubt that Joe even remembers how much damn weed he and Gabe smoked while recording their stuff. So, throw a little Touch Me Zoo, a dash of Funkadelic, a sprinkling of the Frogs, and a dollop of Modest Mouse, and you have the list of my favorite bands to write this stuff to. Now do you see why this shit is so weird? My friend Joe likes it. Everybody else who reads this stuff likes it too... or else.... hmmmm... or else what? Or else your monitor is going to melt into a bong, which you should smoke. Afterwards, read again... smoke bong until issues 1 and 2 make sense. By the time you smoke that much damn bong, even Ween's "The Pod" will make sense..... damn, that's a lot of herb!

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Harry Pothead. He was a pothead, of course, and he lived in Bristol. One day, he was working on his latest trip-hop album, and he suddenly found that he was out of herb.         "Oh shit," he said, "I guess I'll have to go down to that big overgrown hairy oaf's place... the dude who has 'makers of fine bongs' sign on the front of his shop."         Harry walks down to the herb shoppe and walks inside. Inside the dusty shop were rows of bongs, water pipes, and kilo bricks. Harry selected a couple of bricks of Buckingham Green, and walked up to pay for it. The big hairy oaf looked at the two bricks, and then back at Harry.         "Hey, mon, you just came in yesterday. Have you ever done anything that you couldn't explain, mon?"         "Well, I can smoke this kilo brick of dank in thirty seconds," said Harry. Upon saying this, he pulled out a copy of Cheech and Chong's 'Big Bambui' album, pulled out an extra-extra-extra fucking large paper, rolled the brick up in it, and started taking extra-extra-extra long drags. Within 30 seconds, the brick had been smoked. Harry now looked up at the british rastafarian with eyes red as a demon's.         "Yo, it's all in the lungs, 'mon'," he said.         "You're a weed wizard, Harry," the store owner said. "Bob Marley and George Clinton combined coudn't have pulled that shit off! I'm gonna get yo' ass en-rolled in the Bongwart's School of Beotchcraft and Bongizardry. Sheeeeeeeeeeeot, mon, you are one dope smokin' fool. Shit, I bet that you are a trip-hop artist!"         Harry was getting a little weirded out by this white rasta. After explaining that he was stoned out of his gourd, he made as hasty an exit as stoned guy could make.


Mind you, I am not stealing ideas from Harry Potter, I am merely writing a parody in the key of green. Sticky leafy green, that is... so no lawsuits, ok?


...I'm not sure yet if I want to leave that story as it is, or add extra installments in later issues. As a matter of fact, my eyes are probabally red as a demon's too. But that's because I am almost about to fucking pass out from lack of sleep. I do need comments on this one, though. I really think that this would be great as a serial story, meaning that I would write a different part of it each issue. In order for me to do this, you, the reader, would have to e-mail me telling me how much you liked it. Now, this has NEVER worked in the past, meaning that NOONE ever e-mailed my ass, and that leads me to believe that nobody read it. Now, never believe that everyone else is e-mailing me, so you don't have to... because everyone else is thinking the same damn thing... and I NEVER find out if anyone liked it or not. So, drop me a line... cultleaderlett@hotmail.com!

Ok, off my soapbox, mang!

Ok, I love music, as everyone can tell. There are always many albums out there that are very much worth listening to, and usually they can be found on 12" or 7" vinyl too. Vinyl being my favorite medium, I shall review the vinyl that I pick up, and if you can find it on the almighty medium as well, more power to you!

News!News!News!News!News!
There has been a repressing of a classic, and it is pretty easy to find, if you know where to find good vinyl! Nirvana-Bleach:Ok, I don't know if Sub Pop is doing this to generate some extra cashflow, or what they are doing, but they just recently repressed Bleach on vinyl. Definitely something to fill the empty spaces in your collection. Grade: A

Radiohead-Amnesiac: This is a pressing on the parliphone label, Radiohead's british label. It is on two 10" vinyls, and it is made in Holland. If you are familiar with their new style, this is a must have! I had to pay a high price, but my favorite record store closed down, so I don't have my low-priced hookups anymore. Mind you, it IS an import, so the high price is understandable.... but after purchasing this one, I found out about a store in Athens that sells it considerably cheaper. Also available: Kid A double 10". Grade: A

Modest Mouse-The Moon and Antartica: If you don't know about this Seattle band, you are missing out. Great music to get stoned to. Check them out. If you ARE familiar with this band, you know what I am talking about. It's been out a while, but this double 12" set should be easy to find, if you know the right stores. Besides being a double 12", I suspect it's been pressed on 120 gram vinyl, so it is WELL worth it. While it is not as heavy as their earliar releases, it is still very impressive. I enjoy it. Grade: B+

The Automator-A MUCH Better Tomorrow: A re-release of Dan the Automator's A Better Tomorrow ep with extra tracks. Double 12", with a very trip-hop sound. If you are not too familiar with the automator, you may wish to purchase a copy of Dr. Octogon-Dr. Octogonocologist. Kool Keith of the Ultramagnetic MCs does the vocals on this one, and Automator produces. On Much Better Tomorrow, Keith does vocals on at least 6 of the tracks. Good trip-hop. Grade: B+ (would have been an a, but there are some so-so tracks as well as ass-kicking ones. Worth owning, though.)

The Low Budgets-Go Bargain Hunting With...(300 print run): This is a very limited edition 7" from a philly punk band called the Low Budgets. Includes my friend Joe on the keyboards. Two former members of the Town Managers (Joe and Chris, known as Jonk Provoc and Rick Luau with the TM's) are on this disc, and it is hand numbered and on white vinyl. Very fun punk. A MUST HAVE (emphasis on the capital letters). Grade: A++ you can get ordering info at http:/lowbudgets.com

Ok, I wish to share a story with you, an older one, so I am sure that most of you have never read this one, or the one following either.

Fun at the Picnic-a story by Lettuce Head.

*disclaimer* Joshy is 18, and Margaret is 21. Joshy never existed in the real world, but Margaret does exist. She is pretty cool. She went to college and graduated, and now works as a secretary.... and yes, she does take drugs occasionally... yeah, I know that 18 and 21 are weird ages to still be hanging out with mommy and daddy, but if I used ages any younger, I could get in trouble for child pornography, encouraging the delinquency of minors, and other interesting things. Also, in this story, Margaret was taking acid tabs, but they didn't have any acid on them.... the dealer sold her placebos just to fuck with her head. Yeah, I know that sounds increadably lame, but I am not about to let my characters REALLY use drugs, now am I? Hey, dammit, quit rolling your eyes! Ok, just to shut you up, Joshy really DID smoke pot in amsterdam, but he is allowed to do that.... everyone knows that you can smoke pot in amsterdam! Oh, yeah, those beers that Joshy and the ant chugged were O'Douls.... what beer drinkers drink when they can't drink beer.... and when they killed the parents, that was all fake blood and cardboard dummies. Hey, don't tell me that I ruined all the fun for you...... I didn't do a damn thing! The government did!! Oh, by the way, Monica Lewinski sucked Bill Clinton's cock, and he put a cigar in her tuna cave! I bullshit you not! Oh, yeah, Bill Clinton tried pot, but he did NOT inhale. Yeah, that is as believable as the rest of the stuff in this disclaimer! Well, Monica and Bill did do that kinky stuff, and I think that their cat and dog were involved too... where in the hell are the national enquirer people when you need them? Well, on with the story!

One day, the Lucas family decided to go on a picnic. Mother and Father and sister Margaret and brother Joshy. The first thing they did was set up the grill. Then Margaret snuck off into the woods to down a bottle of vodka she had taken along and down a couple of acid tabs. Joshy, being a normal little boy, wanted to have nothing to do with this, and decided to get high on life. He laid down in some moss, and watched the clouds. Soon afterwards, he fell fast asleep. As he was asleep, a giant ant crawled up his leg and started to perform fellatio on the slumbering child. This caused the child to wake up. He felt a feeling of pleasure between his legs, but he didn't have a clue that an ant was working his knob. He went to the picnic table, where margaret was also heading towards lost in a good drunken trip. She saw the moving bluge in Joshy's drawers (sounds like a gay bar... joshy's drawers) and started to make fun of him.
        "Joshy's got a stiffy!"
        "Shut up, girl," Joshy said.
        "Hey, both of you shut up and eat this shit," Father said.
        "Mmmmm.... yummy shit," Mommy said.
Margaret seized this time to pull down Joshy's drawers (the new gay theme park, Joshy's Drawers) and gasped in horror at the boner licking ant.
        "Oh my god, it's a nympho homo-dragon!!!" she said, freaking out.
The ant killed her, killed the parents, and then went and ate the burgers with Joshy. They had some cold beers after than and then they fucked for a couple of hours and then ran off to amsterdam and opened up a pot bar and enjoyed the rest of their lives stoned! Whew!

One day, in a little town called...ummm...hmmm....let me think of an anonymous town...ummm...how about...PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA....yeah, that'll work. Ok, in a BIG town called Philadelphia, there was a big 20 car accident on that big highway that is always under some sort of construction (which isn't even in philly, but maybe the cops are coming from philly...... but why in the FUCK would philly cops be handleing this? More along the lines of the Amish horseback patrol....fuck it!) These two cops were drinking iced coffee down at the Philly Pizza Company, because, just like their tea, they only have it iced... and they heard on their 2 way radios the fact that this accident had just happened. They ran out... without paying...and got into their patrol car.
        "So, do we have time to swing by the Donut Shoppe on our way to the accident scene?" Joseph, the driver said to his partner, Rodney, who never drove, and never worked either...just watched the television at the Donut Shoppe all day.
        "Fuck yeah," replied Rodney, thinking about the television, "just in time to watch Speed Racer too!"
        So they stopped at the Donut Shoppe and ordered some HOT coffee and some grape grape jelly donuts. After they finished their donuts, they lingered, just so Rodney could finish watching Speed Racer.
        They got out on the repair-stricken highway eventually, and were on their way to the scene of the accident when they saw a teenager driving his car past them. Even though the kid was driving the speed limit, Joe and Rodney pulled him over anyway. They harassed the kid for about 20 minutes, and then drove off and repeated that same process for 20 other kids, just because it's fun.
        They finally got to the scene of the accident, about 2 hours late. Some punks had already stolen every radio out of every car involved in the accident, and even stole radios from the cars that were backed up... so Joe and Rodney went back to the Donut Shoppe for some more black coffee, more grape grape jelly donuts, and to watch re-runs of Mork and Mindy on the TV there.

Many thanks to everyone who has read this. I don't know who you are but I would really get to know my readers, so please drop me an e-mail... you can always get in touch with me at cultleaderlett@hotmail.com. See ya, Lettuce!