<![CDATA[
######### # # # ### ## ## short.bus
# # # ## # # # i ###### ## degenerates
# ##### # # # # s ##### ###
# # # ### # ## # s #### #### valu.text
# # # # # # u #### #### (it's.free)
##### # # ## # # # e ### #####
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SBD-Protecting you from VD for over ?? years!!
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<![CDATA[
before we start, let me get this out of my system:
Beotch... Al Eat... Shit... ready to be put to use by the (honky)
government. (there's the no-fi outtakes!)
Don't ask.
Also, send me your e-mail address to cultleaderlett@hotmail.com and I
will keep you informed whenever there is a new SBD out!
]]>
<![CDATA[
//issue begin
Welcome back to SBD! I am glad that last one didn't scare you
off! Damn, Grace has a potty mouth on her, doesn't she. And
what's up with that 'gangsta rastafarian?'
Well, this is the 'condom' issue. In this issue, I shall remind
you to always use a condom while doing the up-down-up-down-very-
fast (unless you're married, of course). The reason that I want
you to protect yourself while doing the old in-out is because I
don't want the few readers I have to die on me. Dammit, SOMEONE'S
gotta read this crap, right? Thanks.
]]>
<![CDATA[
//DJ Polokus submission begin
Ok, here is a submission by a dude named DJ Polokus. He wanted to
send me some writing, and I said yeah. This is his finished product.
Being his first-ever submission to SBD, be nice to him. It takes a
lot to be able to contribute to this madness... i think. I hope
you like his work. You can e-mail the mang at djpolokus@hotmail.com
The official first SBD text by Mike Brennan/The Lamp Incident/DJ
Polokus/Albino/Oregon Singsquatch:
So, what would you like to see? I have an idea. You know how Martin can be a
first or last name? Well, if your last name is Martin, and you name your kid
Martin, his name will be Martin Martin. Teachers will get confused about the
attendence list thinking "Why the hell does this boy have the same two
names?" or "What kind of weed was the secretary on when she wrote this?" You
can't call him by his last name, since it's also his first name. Chances
are, this kid will either go big because of his name, or he will become a
janitor after flunking out of school for lack of confidence in himself. Then
he could end up working with Buddy, the one-legged eyepatch hobo who lives
in South Providence. I sometimes see him from the highway drinking rum and
singing songs about hookers from Pasadena. Maybe he lived there once. Of
course, that was until the day Buddy got curious and raped a man and gave
him his aids, so now Buddy is a bisexual pimping one-legged eyepatch hobo
from South Providence. But then he stumbles across a fish...just sitting
there...in the middle of the road. Then a squirrel jumps over and starts
licking the fish. Buddy stares curiously...but the squirrel jumps up and
bites him in the nose! Buddy pisses on the little fuck, but it does not
work! The squirrel bites his penis off, and he sells it to a railroad worker
in Mississippi. Then this guy sells it to a shop. But enough of that, I had
another idea today.
I was in the Providence Place Mall today, and wondering how to classify
shops as preppy or non-preppy. There are your typical preppy stores like
Abercrombie & Fitch, but also your typical non-preppy stores like Hot Topic.
But some are in between! Where do they stand and why? Here's my thoughts:
Old Navy - This store can go either way. It's not a bad place to buy
pants, but with shirts, it depends. If the shirt does not
have the letters Old Navy in gigantic fucking letters on the
front, it is most likely non-preppy unless it has a stripe
in the middle. Also, the commercials suck.
Banana Republic - Although most of the clothing is pretty damn preppy,
proving that all clothes labels are the same, nobody
seems to notice this one proving that it is not the
clothes, but the label lucky enough to come first
as the little anuses call them. But this store sells
corduroys. How many stores do that anymore?
Basically, what I'm saying is, all clothes are the same, but the labels
place them into a category of prepiness based on their popularity, and soon,
so many people will wear the non-preppy clothes that they will go in style.
Or a scandal could do it. Just think, the same 20 dollar bill used to buy
your Abercrombie and Fitch shirt could be imbesled towards profits for a
lime green dildo. It's scary where money can end up.
I haven't even played Rollercoaster Tycoon today, what's wrong with me? I
need my fix, and I even finished my homework. The game is wicked addictive,
but I like watching sick guests throw up on your beautiful paths. But I
don't get the idea of Bobsled Rollercoasters...bobsleds and rollercoasters
are two different things, how can they be conjoined? Bah. I'm off to see the
theme park wizard in my computer...
]]>
<![CDATA[
back to Lettuce now:Whew! I don't know quite what to make of this. I can
say, though, this kid has some potential.
//lettuce talks inane shit
I was going through some of my old shit today, and I discovered some
interesting items... one of which was my old high school library card.
I have some fond memories of that card... that was back in the day
where I would check out 3 or 4 books at a time, and have them read
usually by the next day. Noone ever believed that I could read that
damn much......
also, I found the results from the state writing exam that I had to take
back in 1995.... 97th percentile... i was one of two in my school to
score that high. I have always enjoyed this quote:
"The paper established a clear sense of the writer's individuality.
The word choice was precise, vivid, and varied, revealing an awareness
of the different levels of meaning that words have."
Well, instead of using my writing abilities for some real-life use, I
prefer to give you readers the treat of writing. Unlike the final
days of CGA (my previous writing group), I am actually enjoying this!
It is the readers who express their true joy of SBD that make this
completely fun! I'm talking about three very special people named
Joe, Stormy, and Mike! Joe, who is the sweetest person on earth,
is the one who converts these textual meanderings into html. Stormy,
a very nice girl has been a very vocal fan of SBD since the she started
reading it. Mike, aka DJ Polokus is another huge fan of SBD, and as
you see, he has written a very wonderful first column for SBD.
Also, thanks for everyone who has enjoyed the Harry Pothead story so
far. In it, I feel as it I am accomplishing something great. A
wonderful parody of a great story. I just hope that every future
installment is as good (or better) than what I have so far written.
Thanks everyone!!!
(goddamn, I need to quit going on and on and just fucking write)
]]>
<![CDATA[
//harry pothead and the sorcerer's stoned part 5
Lettuce's note to all: Up until now, I have been trying to adhere to the
basic plot structure of the book that I am doing a parody of. Now it has
become necessary to break away from the plot, because there will be
no broom riding (unless someone gets really really fucking stoned), and
no games of chess. So now that I have room to experiment, let's see what
happens.
Oh, by the way:
Rules to follow while on a mind altering substance:
1.Fire burns.
2.Knives cut.
3.No, you can not fly.
The next morning, Harry woke up. He had no hangover, since he had
not imbibed upon TOO much alcohol, but he still did have a touch of
cottonmouth, and he had indigestion from all the munchies that he ate the
night before.
"Fuck, what a fucking party," he grumbled to himself as he lit a
morning bowl. Upon lighting the bowl, Jerry came in.
"Hey, Harry," Jerry Garcia softly spoke so as to not wake Grace
Slick, who was still sleeping in the other room, "did you get some good
sleep last night?"
"Man, did I ever. You don't even know. I had some of the wildest
fucking dreams of my life last night. There was this one in which that
talking bong that I befriended last night was actually a female bong.
We got it on like rabbits in heat. And then she blew smoke on... well,
you know, and that was like the coolest thing that I had ever felt. So,
did YOU get any sleep?"
"Well, actually, no. Grace and I hung out in bed for a while, and
then we smoked some of our stash, and then she did what that bong did to
you in your dream! Believe me, Harry, it WAS the coolest feeling in the
world. Now, did the bong smoke a joint with her... you know, and then you
and it... err her, did it?"
"What the fuck? No, neither of us tried that out there in dreamland.
But there was this wild thing that we tried with a can of sardines, a
spice rack, some peach preserves, and a tire iron. First we took the..."
Harry's kinky description was intrupted by a knock on the door.
Harry groggily walked over to the door and opened it. Outside stood the
bong, dressed in a miniskirt and a look of mischief on it's... err her
face.
"Hey, Harry baby. I was so touched by you last night that I
thought that I should come by and give you my number," the bong said
as she ruffled through her purse for her number. Upon finding it,
she handed it to an astonished Harry and continued to speak. "The
main reason that I stopped by, besides to give you my number and promise
of many kinky things involving smoke, sardines, a spice rack, some
peach preserves, and a tire iron, was that Shelley, the owner of this
fine school would like you to see her in her condo immediately."
"Oh shit, what have I done now," Harry thought out loud.
"Nothing yet, baby," the bong replied, "but just wait 'till tonight,
because we're going to be getting it on like rabbits in heat! Just you
wait." With that, the bong walked out of the commune and quietly shut the
door.
"Damn, Harry," Jerry said, "you have all the luck! You'd better go
see Shelly now, or she's probabally going to rip your throat out. After
you passed out last night, she threw a temper tantrum. She's not a very
happy lady, I expect, and I am sure that she's in need of a couple of
joints. You better bring her some."
"Thanks for the suggestion, Jerry. I'll catch you later. You might
want to go back in there with Grace and try out some more kinky things,
because I believe that that hot bong and I will have you beat by the
time the night's over with." Having said that, Harry walked out the door
and walked over to the condo that Shelly lived in.
Harry opened the door and was greeted with muffled ranting and
raving coming from a back room. Sitting at a desk, typing away, was a kid
who looked to be 18 or 19. When he heard the door close, he turned away
from the computer and looked at Harry.
"Hi, my name's Joe. I am the web page designer here. Also I am
the dean, I am in charge of registration, scholarships, inventory, house
keeping, and I also harvest the herb, maintain the greenhouse, plus to
top it off, I have to put up with Shelley's ranting and raving," the
kid repiled.
"Damn, you have your hands full, don't you?" Harry said.
"Oh, that's not all, I also have numerous bands that I play in
when I'm not here. Music is a funny addiction, I must say. I've been
playing in bands for almost twenty years, and I still can't get enough.
"Twenty years," Harry thought, "maybe this guy isn't as young
as he looks." "Hey, Joe, how old are you?" Harry then asked.
"Thirty-nine and a half," Joe replied. "They still ask me for
my ID whenever I go to a liquor store, which is quite often! Jesus, a
guy needs something to numb his mind after a gruelling day with that
bitch!"
"Well, why don't you get a girlfriend? That would probabally be
a better way to distract you from that psycho bitch in there," Harry
suggested.
"Oh no! Anything but a girl. Not into them. I do have a friend
that I've been trying to get to come over here, but he works too damn
much," Joe lamented, with a tear in his eye. "Maybe someday my dreams
will come true..."
Joe was interrupted by Shelly, who violently opened the door
and screamed out "Joe, you dumb fuck! Are you going to yap at Harry
Pothead all fucking day, or are you going to escort him the fuck back
here? You damn girly men are all the same... yap yap yap, no work done!
Next you'll be painting your nails on my time, I bet! Get Harry the
fuck in here NOW!"
Harry took an instant disliking to Shelley. She had broken one
of his rules to living a happy life. The rule being not to make fun
of a person due to sex, creed, race, or sexual preference. Plus, Joe
was fucking cool! Someone to do a trip-hop project with later on.
Joe got up from his desk, and opened the door to Shelley's office for
Harry.
"Thank you, man," Harry said. He then quietly whispered, "don't
let the bitch get you down." He then turned to face Shelley.
"Yo, bitch! What do yo ass want, hoe?" Harry asked, putting as
much ghetto into his voice as he could. He wanted to sound and appear
intimidating to this woman.
"Hey, Harry," she replied cheerfully. "I was wondering if you
could help me?"
"Damn, what a psycho hoe," Harry thought to himself. He then
said, "look, bitch, I don't at all approve of the way that you treated
Joe out there. Maybe you should close that yap of yours, and puff on
one of these things!" he said as he stuck a joint in her mouth and
lit it. He then lit one for himself. They smoked in silence for about
ten minutes, and when the joints had been finished, Shelley turned to
Harry and said, "Man, that hit the fucking spot. Thanks for mellowing
me out. I also promise to be nice to my "one-in-all" boy out there.
Now, what I was wanting to know, would you think that we could make
some money off of all this damn herb here? There is so much of it just
growing around here, I thought that instead of letting the students
just take some when they feel like it, we should start selling to to
the rest of the world."
"Beeeotch, that would be a fool idea to try to attempt. This is
a pot-smoking school, and to deny your students their curriculum would
be fatal."
"Listen me out first, Harry," she said. "What I am also planning
on doing is to start a new school. This one is going to be geared towards
dealing instead of smoking."
"What's going to happen to this one?" Harry asked.
"I am going to give this school over to Joe, and will start a
new school on my own."
"Well, why are you discussing this with me, Shelley?"
"I need someone to help teach classes here if I do start a new
school. You seem to be the most qualified."
"Ok, Shelley, let me think about this overnight. Also, you need
to start your own herb garden. Here, have some seeds," Harry said as he
tossed her a gallon bag full of seeds. "That ought to be enough to start
you a field of herb."
Harry then bid Shelly goodbye and walked out of her office. On his
way out, he paused at Joe's desk and said, "Joe, you don't know it yet,
but I think that you're on the up-and-up here."
"Awesome," Joe replied.
As Harry walked back to his commune, he lit a joint and started to
daydream about what the future might bring, and also about what he and the
bong were going to be doing that night.
As always... to be continued...
I wonder if Shelly will continue to be mellowed out, and if Joe will do a
good job at running Bongwarts? He basically runs the damn place already, and
even though he didn't tell Harry this, he is one pot smoking motherfucker!
I also wonder if Harry and the Bong will out-screw Jerry and Grace? Now,
that's a good question.
]]>
<![CDATA[
//panties from the great beyond
There was a used condom in my flower garden yesterday, along with wild animal
tracks all around. I guess that racoons DO practive safe sex. The next
thing I knew, a pair of panties fell from the sky and right onto my
face. I took a sniff, as long as they were there, and they smelled like
one moist alien. I then took them inside and tried them on. As soon as
I did, I was transported to a planet far far away. Upon arrival, I was
surrounded by 15 hot alien virgins. They started melting like a cosmic
ice cream cone. I then started licking them, but the next thing I knew
I was falling back to earth at 100 miles per hour. Quickly thinking, I
grabbed the alien panties, which were now in my pocket and used them as
a parachute. When I safely landed, I discovered that the earth was now
covered with alien panties. The planet now reeked of hot alien. I decided
to lie down and roll myself in the panties, and enjoy the alien aroma.
Upon doing this, though, I woke up. There was an alien in bed with me,
and she also melted right before my eyes.
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<![CDATA[
Fuckin' a! It's time for me to be leaving you. We shall meet again on the
road of life, just wait for the next SBD!
I love each and every one of you readers!
Laterz,
Lettuce
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