sbd.issue.nine.may.june.2002 @@ @ @@@@@ @@ @ @@@@@ O O @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @___ \ / @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ \ / @ @@ @@@@@ @ @@ @@@@@ _\/_ FUCK YOU, IT'S THE ALIENS, brought to _______/____\______ you in lick-o-vision in the tie-died | $ $ $$$ $$$ | snow-god smelly-vision tube tied set | $ $ $ $ $ $ | where you might actually learn something | $ $ $ $ $ | that makes you cry in excess, but only | $ $$$ $ $ | until you make the grade. Grab the chance | $ $ $ $ $ | to charm the worm god while you can, | $ $ $ $ $ $ | because there will be no chance on the | $ $ $$$ $$$ | tomorrow. Melt like the cheese on your |___________________| grilled-cheese-pony sandwich! short.bus.degenerates http://www.shortbusdegenerates.com the profanity is fun for the whole family issue and we begin with some quotes: FUCK THE "FOCUS ON THE FAMIILY!" JERRY FALWELL CAN EAT A DICK! SBD IS: Lettuce-Editor and writer Mike-Writer of many talents Joe-Webmaster and writer Steve-Writer of insanity Tom-Writer and Poet with class (your name here)-writer the "f word"- 47 times note:hopefully sometime soon I will post pictures of Lettuce dressed in a chicken costume... I did it for a retirement party of a KFC manager... and had loads of fun. Unfortunately noone snapped a pic of me when I was holding a budweiser in my hand. mmmmm... beer good, but not to excess, and only when over 21. (SBD is about having fun, legally...) lettuce introduces the issue: Identify with yourself... repeat after me: I am different. I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am a smart cookie, one who sees through society's bullshit! I am not afraid to stand up for who I am and what I believe in, no matter how badly I will be ridiculed. I am not afraid to point out the hypocracy that I see in others who forsake themselves to be part of a "crowd." I am a black sheep, one who doesn't fit in with the rest of the herd, and I am damned proud to be! I don't seek popularity, because I don't need it! I don't need the acceptance of people who are too foolish to be themselves, I accept myself and that's something that you can't take away from me! I respect myself, I wish that I could say that about the rest of the herd. If you don't like me for who I am, fuck off. Your criticism can't change me, I don't wish to conform to anything! The only thing I want to be is myself, and the only company worth keeping are people who respect me for who I am! I am smart! I am a nerd and damn proud of it! I love myself for who I am, not what others want me to be! I hope that reading that has brightened your day, dear readers. To get the full effect of that, you must read it out loud, even if you just whisper it to yourselves. Each and every one of you readers are special. Whenever you are feeling down, just remind yourself that you are an individual, and that you can handle anything! We are stong! WE ARE SBD! Always remember, you are not alone, we are all black sheep here! Welcome New Writer STEVE!!! For anyone who visits the Low Budgets page (http://lowbudgets.com), you probabally enjoy the column on there called "Steve's Not Having It," as well as "Steve's Guide to Shitjobs." If you have no fucking idea what I am talking about, visit the Low Budgets page, and read his columns, plus all the past issues. This guy is fucking funny! He also writes for SBD now!!! Need I say more? Keep your fingers crossed, and hope that he becomes a permanent fixture here at SBD! (wow, half of the Low Budgets write for SBD now! I wonder if Dandrew and Chris like to write...) Welcome New Writer TOM!!! Here is another new writer! He is Tom! He is going to be gracing SBD with odd poetry, stories, and lyrics too! You'll be seeing more of him in future issues, as well as this issue. If at all possible, he will be a permanant fixture here at SBD, but if not, he'll be in as many issues as he can. Just like the rest of us here, he'll never grow up, but if for some reason he does, he wants to be a fish. He likes to read, he considers himself to be a nerd, and he just brought the collective IQ at SBD up another 130 points at least. Also, he is quite the non- conformist! (well, noone at SBD is a conformist...) Who/What made this issue possible: I would like to say hi to everything that helped me get through the writing of this issue: 1.Edy's Girl Scout Cookie Ice Cream:Thin Mint-Holy shit! Edy's has finally made an ice cream that I find that I can justify paying the ridiculous prices for. It is a limited edition, and if you can find it, get it. Also, Samoas ice cream and Tagalongs ice cream. (but, none of these are as good as Ben and Jerry's ice cream!) 2.The Low Budgets' "Cheap Demo" CD-Wow! Double wow! This band fucking rules! Watch for a CD and 12" LP to come out toward the end of the year... maybe earlier... dunno. From the sound of the demo, this is going to be a great release! Many kudos to Chris, Joe, Dandrew, and Steve! 3.Husker Du:Zen Arcade-Amazing disc... blueprint for alt. rock. 4.Joe-You help me get through every month, and not just with SBD! Thanks for always being there for me! 5.Chris Beyond-I do not retract what I said last issue. Many thanks for allowing me in No-Fi.... now if I had more creative liberty... ;) 6.Jello Biafra-I just got a copy of Become the Media, and I think that it's the best spoken word album that he's put out yet! (wouldn't it be cool if I could somehow get Jello to write something for SBD... I'll see if I can do anything about making that happen...) 7.Dark Chocolate Covered Mini-Matzos-Yeah, I know that it's Jewish, but even us goys can enjoy this stuff! If you are a dark chocolate junkie like me, you've got to find a box of these things and give them a try! 8.Harman/Kardon Festival 80-I just spent a fraction of my last paycheck on one of these systems. It is a mini-system, dolby Pro-Logic (one step below Dolby Digital), five satellite speakers (two fronts, two rears, one center), and a huge sub-woofer. If you know the quality of the Harman/Kardon brand, you'll want to strangle me in pure jealousy when I inform you that I only paid $100 for this system. The person who sold it to me said that the rear output was bad. I decided to take a gamble, and found out that both rear speakers had to be hooked up before it would output... so needless to say, this is my latest high-end home audio deal. This system usually retails over $1000, and the lowest used system that I have been able to find so far is $500. It is a 1997 model. (my last great high-end home audio steal was a McIntosh 1700 home receiver complete with speakers. Manufaactured between 1967 and 1972 (i think these are the right years), it is a hybrid system... the receiver being solid state transistor and the fm radio being beautiful warm tubes. This receiver usually goes between $200 and $300 on ebay, and that's without speakers. Mine was $25, with speakers. The sound will blow you away. McIntosh is an EXTREMELY high quality audio brand. Need I gloat more?) Now, here is what you no-fi readers are missing out on... shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit (don't ask) I want to start this issue off with one of our newest writers, Tom! Here's the first part in my epic poem of some fat guy trying to get some, entitled: Pork Boy's Quest to get some Pork Part 1 ---------------------------------------- There once was a boy names Bobby Jean Who was not to square cut and lean He was a fat piece of shit indeed Lived in his parents basement, smokin lots of weed He'd stay up till 2 playing Everquest Sitting in the fucking horrible mess That he wallowed in every goddamn day His military father always wondering if he's gay He was jerking off to the Brady Bunch While eating a 3 week old lunch Wondering how much he fucking weighed When he thought to himself, "I got to get laid!" But it was easier said then done Cause he had no money to spend for fun So he set off on that dreary day To get a job so he could get laid! To be continued... //back to lettuce A first submission, and it's good. We need more poetry in SBD! Maybe I can add some poetry of my own to the next issue. Maybe next issue could just be an all-poetry SBD! That would be fun! Story Time With Lettuce:Chuck the Junkie There was once a teenage prostitute named Chuck. Why was he a teenage prostitute, people are probabally asking right now...? Well, he was a creamed corn junkie. That means that he was addicted to creamed corn. He liked to eat it, make popsicles out of it, mix it with vodka thus making a mixed drink, and he also liked to get into a bathtub full of the stuff and have kinky sex while covered with it. This became quite a problem, because being a male prostitute and all, he wasn't too very successful, because no guy in the world wanted to fuck inside a bathtub full of creamed fucking corn, with exception of Chuck, who thought it to be a good fuck. Chuck became depressed, because he was still a virgin, because he couldn't get any sex whatsoever with his creamed corn fetish. He wondered if there was anywhere in the world where he could get fucked inside a bathtub of creamed corn. He finally decided to do some serious research, and discovered that Iowa was the corn capital of the United States. He decided to move to Des Moines. He bought some bad land for a cheap price and started a creamed corn whore house. He was told that the land was bad because of poor farming, and he trusted the government that told him that and kept on running the whore house. One night, probabally around midnight, Chuck was getting ready to go to bed, and he heard a strange noise coming from inside his bathroom, which is where he kept his corn-filled bathtub. He turned on the bathroom light and peeked inside. Much to his surprise and shock, he saw a gay martian masturbating in his bathtub. Chuck was filled with rage, because someone else was using his bathtub for solo pleasure! While he was fuming, the martian grabbed Chuck ad pulled him into the tub with him. The next thing Chuck knew, his dream had come true... he was finally being deflowered, and in a bathtub of creamed corn too! and on that note..... The SBD Summer Catalog: Well, it is indeed a hot summer where I am, and I am quite sure that every single SBD fan is going to roast in the coming months, except for Pookie, of course, who is probabally freezing his ass off in Australia. For the rest of us, though, I have found some great products that might make your summer more bearable. 1. Plane tickets to Antartica ($15.04)-Why sweat all summer when you can freeze your ass off all summer? One day in the artic wastelands and you'll feel grateful to live in the hot hot hot hot fucking areas that you live in! 2. A lifetime supply of herb (you better win the lottery fast, mang)- Well, now that you have decided that you are going to brave the summer at home, the least you can do is get so stoned that you don't give a fuck that it's fucking hot out there! (at least half of SBD is drug free.... we don't recommend that you waste away your summer stoned.) (Joe and Steve say "get stoned." Damn those rock and rollers!) 3. Cock Hat ($29.95)-SBD is now offering these little shower caps that are just the perfect size to cover your cock region. This will allow you, the wearer, to go out in public with nothing on but a smile, and this little cock hat, and not have to worry about being arrested for indecent exposure! No more hot sweaty clothes clinging to you, forever more! The cap has the SBD logo printed on it, and it comes in a wide variety of colors, including green (lettuce's favorite color), blue, orange (for you hunters), tie dye (with little pouch to keep your "tobacco" in, for you hippies), yellow (because you never know when you might have an "accident"), and rainbow (for you guys who want to let all the guys know that they have YOUR permission to remove your cock hat for you, anytime). Remember, the coolest thing to wear in the summer is nothing, and this is the closest thing to nothing that you'll probabally legally get. *NOTE*Hairy chested men may wish to get a full-body wax before venturing outside with with nothing but a cock hat and a smile! (You know who you are, right Joe?!) Ladies:As soon as us men here can figure it out, we'll make something just as good for you too! We aren't chaulvanist pigs here. 4. SBD brand Condoms (.25 cents each)-Let your girlfriend (or boyfriend) know that you love her (or him) by using an SBD brand condom. We at SBD say that "it's better safe than sorry!" We took the idea from toilet paper. That's right, our condoms are not one, not two, not three, but FOUR-ply! And the center layer is silk, quilted for softness, and absorbant too! The outer three layers are industry-grade latex. This guarentees you that you'll never catch a disease, and you'll never get anyone (or anything) pregnant! (we are not responsible for any misuse of this product resulting in disease, pregnancy, or raw cock from fucking too damn much!) Total Feeling of Termites: The termites make small holes in wood. Many small holes soon turn into passageways. The same thing happened to my brain, because some termites mistook my brain for a block of wood, and now I can hardly think. I tried to exterminate these pests by pouring acid in my ears, but it kept the termites alive, but at the same time caused many more passageways and catacombs to form in my brain. I think I'll sleep now. Hopalong Morning Glo-kids on a Hemp Rollercoaster: Make me belch, because my toenail clippings are now out of date. Run for the mountain of bleach as I count the pigeons in the sky with diamonds of the non-neal variety. Touch it, because it loves you, just like the kitten of the planet of fairies that made an almond mocha that looked like a forest. Many dreams are going to help you along the path to math, but the equations do not help get the point of rememberance across to the child of the gnome fish. Ribbit ribbit ribbit la la la la, morning dove. Forage the stumps of rememberance for an inkling of my thoughts. I'll have a catacomb with toasted gravy, please. Once I have a catacomb appear, moisture from the vents below give me unbridled passion as the tulip god dances like a wet pony of forgiveness. Make the vodka dance with the straight edge joint, and nothing will happen to the free tree. Morbid rain gnats and the gnome of threnmske smells like an unside down frog and a happening hell to the from fresh turning johnny on the spot yellow instant. Grab help rooster. Hold wild afros in the land of appleseeds. Under the underware is a fireman and the stallion mang. Humpback whales dance to the underground beat of retro pleasure. Knock on wood, but rub on my wood, says the giant toadstool. I will try to dance, but if I eat my feet as a special treat, I would have to take a seat on the neat chair in heat. Extra special aliens make the world go round with running rivers drinking the frosty fear of beer in the willow trees and the dark sativa and making the moose poop is better than drinking panther piss, or so says Mr. Cannabis. Thank you, and good night. Why? Pondering about words... Why in the FUCK is the word FUCK a "bad" word? I have heard many origins of this word, but the best one seems to stem from a medievil practice. From what I have heard, a couple used to have to obtain a licence from the king to be able to procreate. Hence, FUCK is an anachronym for "Fornication Under the Concent of the King." Ok, so how in the FUCK is this word bad? It is a reference to an outdated practice now used to describe the sexual act in all aspects. Let's analyse profanity for a moment. The reason that there are words that are taboo in our language, as far as I have been able to find out, is because of the Christian religion. A person is not supposed to take God's name in vain, so says the Bible. This includes some of our favorites, such as "goddamn," "jesus christ," which sometimes includes a choice expletive between the first and last name. Hell and damn also fall into this category, even though I cannot figure out why "hell" does, but it does. We also have words like "shit" and "ass" which do not fall into this category, but are words for excrements and parts of the body that a person doesn't want to mention in most everyday conversation. We then come to some words that have no reason whatsoever to be considered profane. These words are "bitch," which is the term for a female dog, "pussy," which is a synonym for a cat, and "jackass," which is a donkey. The only reason it seems that these words cannot be uttered in conversation without someone taking offence anymore is because they have perverse double meanings. We all know what the other meanings for these words are, right? This brings us to "fuck." The word "fuck" has nothing to do with ANY religion, is not about anything that could be considered disgusting, and does not have a perverse different meaning. It is used for many uses in today's society, but when all is said and done, it is still mentioning an act of sex! Think about all the phrases that you use in your daily conversations that include the word "fuck." Remember that "fuck" is sex. You're saying some weird stuff, aye? "Fuck off," "fuck you," "fuck it," "fucked up," and many other phrases can sound pretty strange when you think about what you're actually saying, huh? Fucking is the act of sex. Nothing more, nothing less. To mention the Christian religion again, there is a mention that the supreme being from that religion wishes for all to "go out and multiply," or something to that effect. Well, fucking is multiplying, isn't it? That must not matter, because the Christians seem to be the most apt to take offence to that word. There is nothing disgusting about fucking either. It is a beautiful act, it's better to make love than war, right? "Make love, not war" brings me to my last point. I can't say "fuck" without some uptight prude yelling at me, but I am free to say words like "kill," "maim," "blood," "gore (not al)," "hang," "dismember," and "murder" without some bible patrol telling me that I am going to go to hell, but I am a bad person when I say "fuck?" That's fucked up! Album Reviews:Punk/Underground this time around... I have purchased some new shit... some old, some new. I would like to review some of the best purchases since the last review, plus some stuff that I've gotten out of storage that I've been digging on again: Bad Religion-The Process of Belief (LP-Epitaph Records):In a world where punk has fucking gone down the tubes, this is a fresh breath of pure oxygen! My opinion of punk as of late has been partially tainted by this band. Let's face it, "No Substance" sucked! "The New America" wasn't too much better. I hope that I'm not the only one who hates that fucking "I Love My Computer" song! Even before those, there was "The Grey Race," which I did like... it was my first Bad Religion album. The band was never the same after Mr. Brett left. Well, good news came on "The New America." That news being that Mr. Brett did a song with Greg Graffin on it, but I wasn't too impressed with it. But there was the possibility that Brett would be back on the next release, right? Well, my hopes were answered more than I could have ever wished for! Mr. Brett's back! Ex Minor Threat's Brian Baker is still there too, so we have the best lineup we could have! Bobby Shayer, the drummer, is gone, though. In his place is Brooks Wackerman, and you can tell that his style is different. It is good, though, a little reminiscent of Pete Finestone in a tiny way. The "oozin' aahs" remind me a little of the "Stranger than Fiction" album, which is a good thing! What else? They're back on Epitaph, the best place for them to be! If you like Bad Religion, I am pretty sure that this LP will make you happy! It has made me happy! Thank you, Bad Religion, I appreciate this, and I am sure that I'll have the grooves worn down on this happy hunk of vinyl! also available on CD... but when you can get the LP, who gives a fuck about a pathetic little 5" disc... go vinyl on this one! You've never heard any Bad Religion, but have always wanted to? Are you suffering from a case of "they have so many albums! Which one should I get?" Well, that's easy... you will want "All Ages," one of the best punk collections that I have ever seen or heard. This covers their Epitaph years, and includes some great songs! Also, the liner notes tell which album each song came from, and you start buying the rest of the albums from there... I have introduced so many of my friends to Bad Religion through this compilation! It isn't just the best thing since sliced bread, it's BETTER than sliced bread! R.E.M.-Chronic Town (cassette-IRS):I've known quite a few people over the years who consider themselves to be big REM fans, but only have the more well known releases... i.e. Document and beyond. Well, this is REM's first release, an EP, and it is fucking great! This is the band at their rawest, but they still have their distinct style! Very worth owning. Available on vinyl or cassette, but is also included on the CD version of "Dead Letter Office." Minor Threat-Out of Step (LP-Dischord):Most people remember this band for the fact that they basically started the "straight edge" movement. That put aside, I was introduced to this band's work by a pothead that I worked with years ago. He was never into too much punk, but he loved Minor Threat... not because they were "straight edge," but because they fucking KICK ASS! This is my favorite LP by them, which was released toward the end of the band. So much anger, so much energy, it's wonderful! For you CD whores out there, their complete discography had been released on CD. For LP collectors out there... have fun collecting! I have always identified with that little black sheep on the front cover, running away from the rest of the herd, and since you read SBD too, you probabally would identify with that little black sheep also. Bad Religion-Into the Unknown (LP-Epitaph):First off, if anyone has a copy of this LP, name me a price! I need this in my collection!!! Please help Lettuce out! Ok, this is so very out of print! Bad Religion is embarrassed by this one. It is folky at times, prog-rock at times, and rocking at other times. I have a dubbed copy of this one, and I love it! If it hadn't been shunned by the band, or the closed-minded LA punk scene, it could have been a perfect example of the fact that a punk band can experiment, and do a damn good job at it! Really, if Husker Du had been embarrassed by Zen Arcade, there would probabally have been no early 90's grunge... If the Dead Milkmen had been embarrassed by Soul Rotation.... hmmm.... well.... maybe they wouldn't have broken up..... maybe I should just shut my mouth now. While on the topic of music... HEEEEEEEEEERE'S MIKE! Mike decided to make some tabs for this issue.... I hope that you enjoy! Primus - Mr. Knowitall Yes, it's a Primus guitar tab, even though you can hear Les playing louder most of the time, Larry shouldn't go unappreciated. This one's for Mr. Knowitall, a song that's generally pretty easy. Main riff: E-0---3--2-1--1-1--0--3--2-5--7-8--- B----------------------------------- G----------------------------------- D----------------------------------- A----------------------------------- E----------------------------------- Main riff B: E----------------------------------- B-0---3--2-1--1-1--0--3--2-5--7-8--- G----------------------------------- D----------------------------------- A----------------------------------- E----------------------------------- On the 1's on this riff, you'll need a whammy bar, and since I don't have one, I substitute it for -0h1-0h1-. Riff 3(after second verse) E-0----5-6-7--0----14h15h14--0----5-6-7----0---7h8h7--- B------------------------------------------------------ G------------------------------------------------------ D------------------------------------------------------ A------------------------------------------------------ E------------------------------------------------------ Make up your own riff if you want for the next part, but go back into the main riff with octave on playing: E------------------ B------------------ G-9-9-------------- D-9-9---10-9-7----- A-7-7---10-9-7----- E-------8--7-5----- This is where it starts to get a little crazy going into a solo, but I've made an attempt at it. (1:56) (2:11) E-------------------- -------------------------2--3---2----14-15-17--- B-------------------- -----------1------------------------------------ G---3-3-----------3-- -------2---------------------------------------- D-4-----4-3-4-3-4---- (x8) -5-4-----------4-5-4-5-4------------------------ A-------------------- ------------------------------------------------ E-------------------- ------------------------------------------------ It's beyond me from here until: (2:27) E-0----0-5-----------------------5-------7---5------------------------------------8--- B----------6-5-6-3---3-5^--5-3-5---6-5-6-------6-6-6-5-3--5---5-6-6-5-6-3---5-6^------ G------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- D------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- E------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (2:44 with octave, play twice) E----------------------------------------- B----------------------------------------- G-----4-------4-----4-------5-5-5-5-5-5--- D-2-2-4-22222-4-2-2-4-22222-5-5-5-5-5-5--- A-2-2-2-22222-2-2-2-2-22222-3-3-3-3-3-3--- E-0-0---00000---0-0---00000--------------- After the last verse, play the main riff four times and end with... E------------------ B------------------ G-9-9-------------- D-9-9---10-9-7----- A-7-7---10-9-7----- E-------8--7-5----- ...again and the song is done. I hope it's worth your while. Screeching Weasel - Amy Saw Me Looking At Her Boobs Don't know what CD this is on. Don't know the names of the band members. Never looked at their discography. I just like this song. Verse part 1: E----------------- B----------------- G-----4---6---4--- D-4---4---6---4--- A-4---2---4---2--- E-2--------------- Soloesque thing: E---------7-9-7-6-- B-7---7-9---------- G---8-------------- D------------------ A------------------ E------------------ Verse part 2: (play part 1 with strumming, then add this, with strumming) E------------------------------------- B------------------------------------- G-8-------8-------8------------------- D-8---9---8---9---8---9---8---6---4--- A-6---9---6---9---6---9---8---6---4--- E-----7-------7-------7---6---4---2--- There you go. Joe Genaro's contrbution: See, I knew that Joe had potental!!!!! This is fucking great, and there is a recipe at the end that sounds absolutely delicious! Long live the K-Mart self service lanes! (and smile, KY can be purchased without shame anymore!) Also, coconut fans now have a cool new recipe to try! Coconut is the coolest shit! MY FANTASY COOKIE RECIPE The first time I used one of those new self-checkout registers at K-mart was right before Christmas. The store was extremely crowded and I chose one of the shorter checkout lines. I did not realize I had gotten into one of the four self service lines until I was next to go, and after having waited 10 minutes to get there I did not want to back out. What the heck. Well.. I had better learn to use the thing fast because the people behind me did not look patient. Surprisingly, it was pretty darn easy. The only thing that confused me was the pleasant woman robot voice telling me to "please bag last item" even after I had bagged it. I liked touching the LCD display (very smooth) to choose my payment options. I liked inserting the 20 dollar bill and getting 2 dollars and some odd cents in change. In fact I liked it so much I would not go back to a non-self serve checkout again, if I could help it. I think I'm not alone in this regard. After Christmas I noticed longer lines for the self-checkout lanes than the regular ones. They're great for just buying a few items and getting on your merry way. Plus, I like the fact that I can buy a box of condoms and a tube of K-Y without getting weird looks from the checkout guy. (Not that I ever buy these items.. but, should I ever find a use for them, I'll get them at K-mart.) And I love to scan things. It's fun! I'm sure if I HAD to do it all day, I'd get sick of it pretty fast, but it's fun to find the little bar code and pull it over the infrared beam and hear the computer robot woman tell me the price. I always thought it would be cool to have a scanner in my home hooked up to a computer system in the kitchen. Someday, if I ever retire and have way too much time on my hands I might do this. Here's my fantasy. When I take the groceries home, before putting them away, I'd scan them into my computer system. Before I threw a package of something away, I'd scan it too with a scanner near the trash or garbage. That would keep track of just about every food item I had on hand. The computer system would have a recipe book in it that would let me know what I could eat that day. I could page through some menus, based on how much time I had to cook something -- say Chicken Kiev with some green beans and rice, 30 minutes. The recipe book would make sure I ate balanced meals, and it would watch my calories for me too. I know.. would I really take the time to scan things before I threw them out? Probably not. And would I actually want to make anything in my recipe book database? Probably not. My fantasies are like that, though. I don't really expect them to come true. I rarely ever use recipes these days anyway. Speaking of recipes, I came up with one last week that I actually like. If you don't mind I'll share it with you now. It's for Coconut Oreos and it's not too hard to make. Ingredients ----------- 1 package of regular Oreo cookies (or store brand equivalent) 1 package of Mounds candy bars (fun size will do) 1. Open an Oreo cookie by twisting the chocolate discs in opposite directions. 2. Scrape off the cream filling (put it on a plate for later use). 3. Take a Mounds bar and slice off the bottom (flat) layer of chocolate with a sharp knife. 4. With a small spoon or cocktail fork scoop out the coconut filling. 5. Place the coconut filling on top of one of the Oreo chocolate discs and put the other chocolate disc on top of it, forming a cookie sandwich. 6. Eat it. 7. Isn't that good? You can also mix the dark chocolate from the Mounds bar and the cream from the cookie into some vanilla ice cream for yet another taste sensation. That's totally up to you. (Oreo doesn't already make a coconut cream version, do they? I know they have chocolate, and chocolate/peanut butter ones. By the way, does anyone know if they ever made mint cream filled cookies? I seem to remember those but I might have just dreamed them.) //back to lettuce Great recipe, huh? Good advice, I would say! And now for something else that sounds like a damn good idea! Here's Steve!!! Steve's foolproof anti-corporate button conspiracy I got me a great idea. If you're like me, you work at some shitty corporation like StarBucks that you love to screw over by hooking your friends up with free shit when they come to visit. It helps to make up for the fact that you only make seven twenty-five an hour, and when you visit that same friend that you hook up at Starbucks, he lets you in free when you visit him at his job at the movie theater. This is all well and good, but I think that its time for us minimum wage slaves to take it to the next level. Step 1. Buy a shit load of buttons with some obscure thing printed on them. Local punk band buttons would be the best, since you are killing two birds with the stone by promoting your friend's band. Step 2. Give all the buttons to all the friends you have, and tell them to give the rest to all the friends they have, and have your friends tell theirs friends to give out the buttons to their friends ec. ect. until every low life slacker loser who is cool has a button. Your probably saying "Alright Steve, what is up with the fucking buttons? Stop wasting my goddamn time you Polish son of a bitch." Here is how the button system works. Every one who has a button gets hooked up with free shit whenever they go to an establishment where the workers are "in the know". The person with the button (buttoner) would walk up with merchandise to the register of the person who knows of the button (buttonee). The buttonee would reconize the button and give the international-free-hook-up head nod and/or hand wave to the buttoner. The Buttoner would then give the Buttonee the international-free-hook-up thank you head nod. End of transaction, no words exchanged about the button. We're talkin' covert operations, James Bond style smoothness. Think about it. If you had a button, it would be possible for you to go out on a Saturday night, get art supplies at A.C. Moore, get pizza at Pizza Hut for dinner, ice cream at Friendly's for dessert, and cap it off with a movie at United Artists, all for free without having to rely on having friends work at these places. It would be awesome way for you to get away with being cheap, but still impress the ladies by seeming popular like your some kinda of mafia dude. Plus, it would screw corporations out of thousands of dollars a year. Some basic ground rules for the button. 1. The buttoner will only be hooked up if the buttonee knows its cool.(I.E if the manager isn't looking), and will not bitch if the buttonee doesn't give the hookup, even if the Buttonee has hooked up the buttoner many times in the past. This prevents people from getting fired. 2. The Buttoner will not tell their boss about the buttons no matter how cool the boss seems. (I know this sounds like common sense, but their are a lot of retards out there, so I felt I should make that clear). 3. Don't wear your button to work. If this thing catches on and "the Man" finds out, it might get you in trouble somehow. Disclaimer. This story is for entertainment purposes only. I take no legal responsiblities what-so-ever for anything anyone does after they read this. And if you raid my house, that glass thing under my bed is a waterpipe for exotic tobbacoo use only. hmmm.... thinking about waterpipes brings us to the main attraction... Harry Pothead and the Sorcerer's Stoned:Part 7 *note* please bear with me here, I am trying to pick the pace back up to where it was in the first couple of installments. I want to be at a point where it's easy to come up with fun adventures for Harry Pothead, and once that happens, and I enjoy writing the installments more, then you will see some major reative shit, I hope. Let's see what happens here. Also, for further inspiration, I bought Harry Potter, the 2 disc special edition DVD! Also, for the best vibes, I am listening to Bob Marley right now! I would recommend that anyone who likes music that'll put a smile on your face and happy thoughts in your head, listen to lots of reggae! Remember, Reggae is not just for those potheads, it's for all people! Harry stood where he was. He was speechless. Joe noticed the look of fear that began to appear in Harry's eyes. "What's wrong, Harry? You look afraid. Is it something that I said?" "No... well, yes. That's some fucked up shit, mang! Noone ever told me that. I just knew that I was parent-less, but nobody ever told me what happened to them. I just hope that noone wants to kill me!" Harry said. "Well, I can't guarentee that, so I would watch your back, as well as your bud if I were you," said Joe. "If you need any help 'stayin alive,' I'll help out any way I can. I am sure that you can trust your friends Grace and Jerry as well, and the talking bong is a very good soul, she can always be trusted. She's taken quite a liking to you, you know?" "Thanks, mang, I appreciate the advice, and yes, I know about the bong. We have a date tonight, and my tube steak is invited!" Harry bid farewell to Joe and went back to his room to prepare for his date. He wove some herb into his dreadlocks and sprayed some patchouli on his clothes. He smelled great, but he wasn't stoned yet. He broke up a couple of buds that he had picked from the field earlier in the day and packed a bowl. He toked and toked and toked and before you could say "baby baby, where has our bud gone," he cached his bowl and was throroughly stoned. He flipped through his LP collection, which he had brought with him to Bongwarts, and picked out some exerimental jazz and chilled on the dormatory's sofa. While chilling to the mellow keyboards and smooth sax what was coming out of his speakers, he dozed off. He was awakened by the bong of his dreams. She was just flipping over the album that he has put on the turntable. "Yesterday's New Quintet, huh? Good shit, just like the herb that I brought along. You like that stuff out in the fields, Harry baby? That's our mids. I got you some of our dank from the greenhouse. Get a load of THIS shit!" she said, handing a baggie to Harry. "That shit that I just smoked was mids? Fuck! Let's get beyond stoned then! Madlib and his quintet will sound so good! Let's set some Marley out right now while we can still think straight, to put on the turntable later. C'mon, baby!" With that, they snuggled together on the couch together, smoking from Harry's party hooka. They smoked and smoked for hours. Jerry and Grace came back to the dormatory to discover that a thick smoke had replaced the air. They went to their room and fell fast asleep. Harry and the bong were busy having fun. They made the best love that either of them had ever made, and got so stoned that neither of them would pass a drug test for fifty years! After a while, they too fell asleep. * * * When Harry woke up in the morning, he smelled breakfast. He went to the common room and saw that the bong had just made breakfast for him, Jerry, and Grace. There were eggs fried with herb, toast with pot butter and herbal jelly, and some hot "herbal" tea. "Good morning, baby. Here's your breakfast. Eat up, you'll probabally be needing all the energy you can get after last night's performance! You were the best I ever had!" said the bong. Harry looked over at Jerry and Grace. Their eyes were bright red and they were chowing down on their breakfast, as well as a couple bags of crunchy-meow-puffs. They were still stoned off the second-hand smoke. "Well baby," Harry said, "it looks as if we are the only ones here who are 'with it.' And I thought that they could handle their herb! Well, I guess that we smoked enough herb to put a straight-edger in a coma, so I can't say anything about those two. I am the stonedest mother- fucker at this school, it appears." "That's why I love you," said the bong, blowing some morning smoke his way. "I have to get off to work now, but maybe you three should attend some classes today for a change. Marilyn is teaching the totally pointless "Telling Believable Lies When Begging on the Street to Get Some Cash for your Next Fix," and Panama Red is teaching music appreciation, and it's reggae week. Another pointless class for you guys because you already appreciate the right music. Hmmm.... you could go to my "Holding in More Smoke in Your Lungs" class, but you already have mastered that one. Hmmm... you could always check out Shelly's class, "Making Da Benjamins," it's about selling herb, even if you never need it, it could be good to learn those things. "Another pointless class in my opinion, but a person never knows when he'll need to know those things," said Harry. The bong bid them goodbye, and the three lit a morning bowl while deciding whether they should go to class. as always:to be continued... I am no longer listening to marley, but instead I have put some Minor Threat on my turntable... so for pure fun, I want to mess up the story a little... this is NOT an official addition, the next part will start where the story ended above... but let's fuck with some funny shit here... ######## # # ## # ######## # # # # # # # # # # # # # ###### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ######## # # # ## ######## # While smoking their bowl, the walls of the dormatory caved in. The next thing they knew, a bunch of people who looked amazingly sober gathered around the three stoned ones. They all had x's on their hands and pissed off looks on their faces. "Look what we have here," said one, "a bunch of brain dead stoners! Let's take them over to our rented warehouse and tie them up. Then we'll feed them vegetables and soy milk all day, while depriving them of their precious fucking weed!" "No! Let's flush all their weed down the toilet and put deep scratches in all their Bob Marley records!" said another. "I say that we take them to an amusement park and make them ride the craziest rollercoaster that we can find... over and over," suggested the third. "No way, man, I say we take all of their weed and smoke it ourselves and laugh at them!" said the forth and final one. The other three looked at the forth and they all said at once, "HEY! We're supposed to be straight edgers here, are you out of your mind?" "Hey, I'm sorry, but my mom threw out all of my minor threat records and replaced them with a bunch of 70's drug bands!" he said. The first looked at his misled friend and said, "forget this, we need to get you back to the van and play you some Minor Threat to reestablish the message in you!" They left, and Harry looked at his friends and said, "Hey, do you know how many straight edgers it takes to drink a beer? ONE, if NOONE'S LOOKING!" oh my god! I am in no way making fun of straight edgers, I just wanted to see Harry Pothead get harassed by some of them.... and now I have! There's no place like home, so where am I? .oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo. Conclusion Adios, time to be leaving you. Stay tuned to the same channel, though, because we are going to be rockin' da houze soon enough. SBD will be back again. Sorry this issue took so damn long to get out, it takes time to round up all of the writers and get stuff from them. Hopefully I can get used to having all of these writers, and next issue won't take so long. I do believe that I have a couple more writers to join in the fun for next issue as well. The next couple of months are going to be interesting times for SBD, the little zine that could. Damn, this has turned out to be a big fucking issue. I hope that it was worth the wait! Coming sometime:The Lettuce Head Spoken Word album. Lettuce reads some of his favorite stories the way they were supposed to be read... Recording is done, just have to tweak some minor stuff, and then decide whether I really want to torture people with it! Adios, Lettuce ***look for an all-poetry SBD in the near future***
INDEX | SBD 1 | SBD 2 | SBD 3 | SBD 4 | SBD 5 | SBD 6 | SBD 7 | SBD 8