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SHORT.BUS.DEGENERATES.ISSUE.NUMBER.TEN.SEPTEMBER.2002.
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(all poetry issue has been delayed, but is coming soon)
The "Back to this Planet" issue:
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Welcome to yet another exciting fun fun fun fun filled issue if the SBD
e-zine! It has been a while in the making, but should be worth it, I
do believe.
Also, some people have complained about too much nonsense in previous issues.
I hope that you find this issue more to your liking. Before I go back to
our planet, I shall linger in space for just one more moment before
firmly planting my feet on soil.
"Arriba Terlingua" she said as I followed her prior order, in which she had
ordered me to "Touch Me Zoo." I didn't have a clue as to what she was talking
about, so I sniffed her cow instead. After the goat mooed, I said ribbit.
After that, she told me that I had a "Man of Steel," and that she wanted
me to let out her "Drug Sniffin' Dog." I did this, and then I turned on her
Steamvac, which caused her to scream "CHEESES!!!!!" This made even less
sense than the other rantings that she had thrust into my ear. I told her
that I had to go, wished her that she would be "Happy in Heaven," and as
I turned to leave, she finally moaned something that I could comprehend...
so I said "Baby, I'll 'Blow Up Your Stereo' anytime you ask... just tell
me, it is part one or part two?"
During the writing of this SBD, these have been my inspirations/distractions.
1.My latest turntable:I just recently bought a Sansui turntable... with all
my favorite features... direct drive, fully automatic, linear tracking
(actually done properly... for a change), plus this bad boy has a row of
numbered buttons on the front... which enable the user to switch to
whichever song whenever he wants to, automatically. I just push 2 and the
bitch immediately goes to song 2... and I can program the order that I
want to listen to each song on the record... this turntable fucking
rules! (oh, did I mention that I paid like 10 bucks for it?)
2.Old funk albums:Need I say more?
3.A certain special someone in my life:You know who you are... thanks!
4.Joe:As always, thanks for everything... and you still are the greatest
damn webmaster in the whole world!
5.Ween:When is the new album supposed to be released?
6.The Low Budgets:I am eagerly anticipating the new album!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(there's not enough space to put all the exclamaton points that will convey
my excitment!
New Feature! NoFi Magazine outtakes.
this month:The infamous Shittany Smears "HoeRoads" screenplay.
next month's outtake will probabally be a collection of unfinished ideas
and the like.
Chris Beyond wouldn't let me use this! Why??? Well, in his words:
First he says:
I did get the next Lettuce column. It scared me so I think in the back of
my mind I was trying to keep it locked in the basement, but its claws are
sharp and the door is made of old pirate ship wood that's been floating
in the ocean for years before somebody decided that it needed to be
turned into a door to a basement. (Probably some artist type. You know
the kind I mean.)
Then he says:
I have to say that I didn't get into this episode of yr column. I don't
know what it was. I guess part of it is my old thing with the four letter
words. I actually think the name you gave her was clever and very Mad
Magazine (one of the greatest magazines ever made), but I guess it made
me cringe a little since it was all over the place.
And then:
I guess the 2nd thing is that it's already a little dated. (oddly
enough...and here's why...) That movie came out and went away right away
and that makes me very VERY happy and gave me a little more hope for
humanity. People actually recognized it as the obvious pure product that
it was and said, "No, Britney! I will NOT see your damn movie!" (This
is a fact...the director cut out a scene at the very end where Britney
really did pull up her top to flash the audience. Because the movie did
so poorly, I wonder if he'll restore it for a DVD version. If her
audience continues to slide, it could happen.)
and he then goes on to say that we might want to wait till the DVD release
comes out to run it. I just said "fuck it, I'll put it in SBD..." but
in a nice way. You see, I like writing for NoFi... but you SBD readers are
the ones who deserve this piece of humor writing! So, here goes!
La Casa De Lettuce:The Column
Hola, me amigos!
I am here once again, and if for some reason you forgot who this is, get
your mouth off that hooka and listen up...
I am Lettuce! Not Iron Man, or Meow Man... not even Baka Man! Neither am
I a hallucination, but if you were to lick the screen, you might be...
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$ $
$ meow $
$ $
$ $
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
just lick the square... then cut and paste it and e-mail it to all your
friends, and then start charging for it too... make money off of that square
there.
wait a second... drugs are bad...
By the way, I was digging through the dumpster at Reelshat Films and found
a copy of the screenplay for their newest films, starring the Pop-Star
Shittany Smears, and it's called "HoeRoads." It's great stuff... and I
will show you the first scene, and you'll have to go to the theater for
the rest.
HoeRoads:Scene One --- Property of Reelshat Films, don't take out of our
dumpster, or we will cut off your nose!
(opens with Shittany Smears and her friends Ken and Barbie. They are all
covered with sweat, as if they had just been doing some strenuous activities.
The room is pink, with stuffed animals all over the room. There is a pink
bed in the center of the room, and the sheets are rumpled.)
Shittany:Damn! Do any of you have any more batteries?
Ken:I don't! How about you, Barbie?
Barbie:(screaming)NO! QUIT ASKING ME! I AM NOT ANATOMICALLY CORRECT, AS
A MATTER OF FACT, I LOOK LIKE MARILYN MANSON DOWN THERE!!!
Shittany:Look, Barbie honey, an airbrushed crotch is nothing to be
ashamed of! (starts screaming very bitchy-like) BUT I NEED SOME
BATTERIES NOW! YOU ARE NO FUN TO HAVE ORGIES WITH!!! DAMN MATTEL!
Ken:Look, I'll go down the road and get some batteries for that vibrating
rocket for you.
Shittany:(throwing a tantrum)IT'S NOT A ROCKET! IT'S A DANG VIBRATOR! TO
HECK WITH IT!!! OPEN THE BACK DOOR AND LET THE GOATS AND CHICKENS
AND SHEEP IN! IF YOU WON'T MAKE ME HAPPY, THEY WILL!!!
Barbie:But this movie is supposed to be rated PG. How are you going to get
your freek on in this movie. We were casted so we could get naked
and since we have nothing down there, it can still keep the PG
rating!
Shittany:SHUT UP! SEND THE ANIMALS INTO THE BATHROOM, AND CLOSE THE DOOR!
I AM NOT CARING ABOUT THE MOVIE RIGHT NOW!!! I WANT SOME!
Ken:(whispering to himself)Reelshat Films never told us that Shittany Smears
was such a psycho hoe! No wonder they're paying us so much money.
It was awful nice of them to throw in a "Barbie Dream Home" with
the deal too. I better go let the animals in now.
(Ken walks out, presumably to let in the afore mentioned animals. Next
thing the viewer sees is a whole zoo worth of animals running into the
bedroom, and then running into the conneted bathroom. Many different types
of animals run through the room, giraffes, baboons, sheep, koalas, emus,
peacocks, macaws, and last, but not least, five gerbils. The bathroom
door closes, and suddenly there are many noises of animal pleasure. Ken
and Barbie leave the house with a look of disgust on their faces. They
get into their pink Barbie Safari Jeep and drive off. As they are driving
off, they talk.)
Ken:You know, Barbie, I am glad that I'm not anatomically correct.
Barbie:Yeah, after seeing that nutty hoe, I will take my airbrushed
crotch and my pert breasts, and my anorexic figure anyday!
Ken:Hey, baby, when we get back to the Barbie Beach Bungalo, may I touch
your pert breasts?
Barbie:Not tonight, all I feel like doing is downing a couple of Barbie
Bar Hopping Cruse Beers.
(Fade to black)
Wowzers! What a movie! Now, go take your money to the theater and see
this great flick! Go pay that 8 buck ticket, and buy that 6 dollar small
popcorn, because this is a must-see flick! Another great movie from
Reelshat Flims/BLAMco Records!
***no-fi column end***
The Wacky World of Steve:
Steve has many hopes and dreams... this seems to be one of them.
All I have to say is: Mi mireda es su agua, puta!
(ask your spanish teacher what that means... and watch how quickly you
get kicked out of that class!)
Steve's new money making scheme
I've decided I'm going to be a hit man for the
mafia. I'm so sick of the usual run of the mill hit
man. I'm going to be the Starbucks of Hit men and
offer the specialty espresso beverage of wacking.
Did you ever see that movie where Steve Buscemi
is a hit man they call in to shoot people up the ass
so they would have a die the most painful death. He
was the coup de grace of hit man, the guy they called
when someone really fucked up, and needed to be killed
in the most extream way. Anyway, I'm going to be like
that, but only way slicker than just shooting someone
up the poop shoot.
Here is my shtick. I will go to the mark's home
dressed like a city water worker fixer guy. I will
gain access to their pluming, using my Tom Hanks
charm. Then I will poison their water supply. It
will not only kill them, but anyone or anything that
drinks the water. I'll use Brita-proof poison too.
Picture this. Crazy legs Tony Genero (no
relation to Joe) is at a mob meeting, and he's pissed.
"Fuck Mealy-eyed Bob. That Motha fucker still owes me
money from the Frank Sinatra concert tickets in '73 .
I want to send a message that no one fucks with Crazy
legs."
"Watcha want us to do boss?" asks one of his Goons.
"You guys? Nothin'. You worthless sons of bitches
can't do anything right. I want him dead. I want his
fat wife dead. I want his mother dead. I want his
guests at his barbecue dead. I want his dog dead. I
want his fish dead. I even want the fucking his
fucking Avon lady dead. I want the heavy artillery."
"You don't mean?" gasps another goon.
"Thats right fuck face. Call the Mexican".
I really think that the Mexican is a good handle
for me. One reason is that I don't look Mexican, so
that will throw off the fuzz. Plus I came up with a
couple of bad ass catch phrases I can use like "Don't
drink the water. No es Bueno.". I say that to myself
when I'm lurking in the shadows of the house after I
poison the water, and "Es possible" when I'm talking
to the clients on the phone. I'm not sure if I can
use "Hasta la Vista Baby", it rips off Arnold too
much, and people would think I'm lame. Maybe in I
can in like tens years when people forget the
terminator movies. Oh, and I'll charge the clients in
Pesos, too. That would be cool. Getting the pesos
exchanged for American dollars would be a pain in the
ass, but I think that the gimmick would be worth it.
Being a good hit man is all in the details really.
Si, mi amigo Steve, me gusto! Es mucho mucho bueno! Muchos gracias, me
amigo loco!
Seis seis seis...
And now I would like to ask my cat to go the fuck away so I can type...
which brings us to:
New Game Shows:
This is your reporter Lettuce here at Game Show Central, viewing the pilot
for a new game show called "Toss the Kitten." And now I will also be
the announcer, because this is MY gameshow!
We have three contestants... we have
1.Jamie Sandbourn from Lake Heebiejeebies, Mn. Jamie is twelve years old,
and when he isn't having fun encounters with priests of a certain
religion that we can't mention here, he likes building rocket packs
and tying them to his cat Meower Wonkers the 45th. You see, Meower
Wonkers 1-44 have all died from severe burns. This time, though,
young Jamie finally figured out the key to cat launching... or so
he hopes.
2.Deaner from New Hope, Pa. Deaner is here with his cat Marley and a massive
Bong...err...water pipe. He likes to get Marley stoned and then
throw him high up in the air...
3.Mandy Treehugger from Normalville, Ct. is here with her cat Sweetie. She
likes to knit warm blankets for her cat and hug it and tell it how
much she loves it.
Now I will ask Jamie to demonstrate his cat trick.
"Hi, I'm Jamie, and this is the latest jetpack that I have designed for
Meower Wonkers the 45th. I am now going to strap it onto him, and then
shove a roman candle up his poop chute."
Meower Wonkers suddenly flies up 400 feet in the air, with many colors
flying out of its ass. Suddenly the jetpack fails, thus causing the
cat to fall 400 feet to the ground, splattering everyone with cat blood
and guts. Mandy looks shocked and disgusted.
Deaner is next.
"Hey, mang, my cat. Yeah. My cat... is........ the stallion, mang. Yeah.
Smoke this bong, Marley. Toke toke toke that shit! Wow. Woah. DUDE!"
Marley suddenly starts floating in the air... and then like some invisible
force was pulling it, the cat starts flying in every direction, and finally
flies into a telephone pole. He bounces off that and then explodes.
Mandy looks disgusted and scarred.
Last but not least is Mandy Treehugger.
"Ummm... I am taking my precious Sweetie home. You guys are being too mean
to your cats!"
She starts to leave when suddenly a giant Monty Python-esq hand comes out
of the sky and grabs the cat. It then tosses the kitten to the audience
who proceed to rip the cat apart.
Suddenly a big voice booms from the sky:(god is played by Mr. T)
"YOu wanted to play "Toss the Kitten," bitch, and now you're kitten's been
tossed. Have a nice day.
To all the people who have a problem with the kittens being killed in this
SBD, then keep this in mind: Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.
Please think of the kittens. (I know that most of us aren't getting any...
so, we all kill kittens... right?)
Harry Pothead and the Sorcerer's Stoned:Part 8
*note* During the time between this issue and last issue, I have had the
pleasure of being able to read the entire Harry Potter series as of current.
Those books are FUCKING ADDICTIVE! Also, through the books, I have a new
understanding of the boy and his world that I am parodying. Also, I have
begun to realize that I have gone WAY off course. So...
Note this... and forget it was ever said... and also forget all that has
happened in issues 5-7...
________________begin the bullshit_________________
//harry pothead and the sorcerer's stoned part 5
Lettuce's note to all: Up until now, I have been trying to adhere to the
basic plot structure of the book that I am doing a parody of. Now it has
become necessary to break away from the plot, because there will be
no broom riding (unless someone gets really really fucking stoned), and
no games of chess. So now that I have room to experiment, let's see what
happens.
__________________end the bullshit_________________
Let's start all over again, why don't we... and forget the tangent that I
ran off on.....
Harry Pothead and the Sorcerer's Stoned:Part 5 (new version)
Harry woke up with tremendous weight on his chest. "Damn, that must
have been the best motherfucking weed I ever smoked! My lungs are hungover!"
He then opened up his eyes and saw some ugly short green dwarf standing
on his chest.
"What in the fuck?" he asked the intruder.
"Hi, mon... I am Doobie the Herb Elf," the odd creature said. "I have
come to tell you that Harry Pothead shouldn't smoke any more herb!"
"Look, motherfucker," a slightly peeved Harry said, "first of all,
you aren't supposed to show up until 'Harry Pothead and the Chamber of
Reefers,' second of all, I'll smoke as much damn herb as I want... I am the
good guy in this story... meaning that noone can kill me, right?"
"To answer your first question, do you really think that Lettuce is
really going to want to do the 'chamber of reefers' after he finishes this
monstrocity? Ego check time... you are cool, but you aren't all dat. Second:
the good guy always wins because he isn't a dumbass... when the good guy
gets a warning he is supposed to follow it. Wouldn't a story be pretty
fucking boring if the good guy won without having to do anything? I think
so! So, if you insist on smoking your damn herb, make sure that it isn't
spiked with anything... like cyanide... oh shit, I said too much!!!"
Doobie proceeded to light his foot and smoke it while screaming
"MOTHERFUCKER" over and over again.
"What in the fuck are you doing?" asked Harry.
"I must remain loyal to my master and not tell you any secrets. When
I do not remain completely loyal, I must inflict bodily harm on myself. I
like to get myself stoned, so it works out pretty well. At least I didn't
tell you who my master was... I'd have to smoke my cock then! That would
hurt Doobie very much."
Harry scratched his chin and said, "Hmmm... you are wearing the
latest in the "Fubu ElfWare" collection... so I think that it would be a
good guess to say that you are Eminem's herb elf."
"You made guess, Doobie didn't tell you. Doobie's cock is safe from
smoking... at least by me... I won't tell you what master does to
Doobie's co........"
Harry interupted at this moment with "TMMFI!!! Too Much Mother-
Fucking Information!!!!!!!!!!! Just get the fuck out of here before I get
sick and puke up all of last night's munchies all over your wannabe-ware!"
Doobie ran out of the room, leaving Harry to get some more sleep.
"I'll be a motherfucker... if Lettuce doesn't do 'the Chamber of Reefers,'
than he won't do '...the Prisoner of Azz,' or '...the 40oz of Fire!' I was
kinda looking forward to the '40oz of Fire,' myself... I've always wondered
what that would look like," he mumbled to himself as he fell asleep.
to be continued...
I hope that is enough to tide you over until next time!
And now for a discription into the life of Mr. Joe Genaro as only he can
tell it. Joe and Steve are the best things that could have ever happened
to SBD, and damn... they're even more dependable than me!
The World According to Joe:
Stress
------
My doctor ordered me not to stress out. I wish he would have prescribed
some tranquilizers while he was at it, but no such luck. You see, I went
to see my doctor for an ear ache and I was diagnosed with chronic
hypertension, also known as 'high blood pressure'. I was not really
surprised. Just about everyone on my mom's side of my family has high
blood pressure, so I do have some genetic predisposition.
I was told I must stop smoking immediately (impossible, in a way, because
I hadn't started) and that I should cut back my caffeine and alcohol
intake. But the toughest order was to stop stressing. Ironically, I had
never really given thought to how much stress I put myself through during
a typical day, until the idea to "not stress" was brought to my
attention. Suddenly it was like a light turned on in my stomach shining
on a little stress meter with a needle that was pointed to "way stressed
out" and there was little I could do about it.
"Stop stressing," I kept telling myself, but it only got worse. The
needle was approaching the danger zone: Warning! Heart attack imminent.
Stroke likely! "This isn't fair. Why am I not allowed to stress? Other
people have stress all the time, and they seem to be fine." What the hell
was I stressing about? Plenty. The company I work for is being sued. My
boss is a workaholic freak whose voice alone sends chills down my spine.
I'm always given more work than I can handle in a normal work day.
Why don't I simply quit the job that seems to be stressing me out? Well,
the thought of quitting and not having a source of income stresses me out
even more. The thought of hunting for a new job stresses me out. And the
thought of adjusting to a new job... well, it just did not sit well in my
stomach. I might hate my current job, but at least it's a known quantity.
About a month ago the company hired a new employee, a guy fresh out of
college, and gave me a break, finally. I did stress out at first about
the fact that I might not be able to train him well, but after his first
day on the job, I could see that he was very bright and I need not worry.
Only problem was he would not put up with being paid late (in our company
it is rare to be paid on time - but we do get paid, eventually) and quit
after three weeks. He simply walked out, giving no notice. He was a
person that seemed to have no stress whatsoever. Very levelheaded. Did
his job for exactly 8 hours each day and didn't give a damn about what
work was left undone at the end of the day. In a way, he opened my eyes.
He made it seem so easy. And then it hit me: why the hell am I getting all
worked up about a silly job that pays well (if not always on time)?
Anyway, I'm not allowed to stress, so I won't.
***ADIOS***
Time to wrap up yet another fun-filled issue of SBD! You don't even want
to know the many reasons this one took so long to come out!
Adios,
Lettuce!
... Valu-text! http://shortbusdegenerates.com
___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12
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