Short-Bus Degenerates

I am struggling get issue 11 finished, so here is something to tide you over...outtakes issue number one. this issue is mainly outtakes from issue 11, stuff that was going to be published before I lost the most beautiful thing in my life... but then 11 was basically reconstructed from the ground up... enjoy! Also here are some other things that just didn't seem to fit in other issues. p.s. Because this isn't really an issue, there will be no Harry Pothead. e-mail me: jason.seiple@bozax.com ***SBD Issue 11 outtakes the.short.bus.degenerates.text.magazine.number.eleven.september.2002 Dedicated to the preservation of the almighty Boognish. ...one nation, under Boognish... Ween rocks! the "the greek government has donkey semen for brains" issue introduction: Ok, you probably don't know, but our government isn't as fucked up as we sometimes think. You'll agree with me after you hear this. Greek Gaming Prohibition That's right, you heard right! It appears that there is a gambling ban in Greece. Well, that's kinda normal, right? Well, unfortunately for the poor Greek gaming community, the government people over there have moose shit for brains and can't seem to be able to decern normal arcade game machines from illegal gambling machines. Kinda seems to be the point in which Mr. Greek Governmental guy should cash in the chips and say that the gambling ban just ISN'T WORKING!?! Don't you think? Well, they don't think that way... instead they say "we can't give in... and since our maggot brains can't come up with a better solution to our problem, let's just ban ALL ELECTRONIC GAME MACHINES!" This means, no arcade games, no video game consoles, no gameboys, no computer games (not even the ones supplied with MS Windows!), no cell phones with games.... NO GAMES!!! You risk going to jail and/or paying a fine of 5000-75000 euros (1 euro roughly equal to 1 dollar). Tourists aren't exempt either. If I were to go to Greece and bring along my Game Boy Advance, they would fucking throw me in JAIL! (hello, dad, I'm in jail?) Completely ridiculous!!!! Makes no sense at all, right? Oh wait... the US government has a set of laws that are just as pointless and useless as the Greek Videogame laws..... it's called THE DRUG WAR!!!!! for more information: http://www.gameland.gr (sounds like someone needs to teach the Greek about how to hide directories) I had the flu last week... and my fever got so high that I became delusional. I kept thinking as I was lying in bed in my darkened room that I was trapped in a dark cage and that I was being kidnapped from America by terrorists... and that the army kept trying to get me back... but they couldn't.... and I was still trapped in that fucking cage fucking aching all over and feeling hot and shit. All I have to say is that the FLU FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!! Thank you for your time. Ok, what has made my life a little brighter this month? 1) Jethro Tull: Sure, some may dismiss this band of yesteryear as being mere "hippy crap," but I beg to differ. This band was fucking cool! For an introduction to this band, I would suggest picking up Aqualung, their pro-God/anti-church themed album. 2) C.T.: You know who you are. Thanks for the help... if you need any help dealing with any of the troubles set before you, you know how to reach me, right? I am always here for a friend in need. You will always conquer the burdens in the way to success, mang. 3) Morpheus Zero: You make me laugh! When are we going to do that album together? It has to happen eventually, right? 4) Gina: The queen of Atlanta. You are the fucking shiznit! Thanks for all of the insight and good luck promoting dat shiznit! 5) Mike: Go listen to Zen Arcade. You'll like it a LOT more than Flip Your Wig, trust me. 6) Colin: I want you writing for SBD! 'nuff said! I hope all is well. 7) 8) Ween: So, where's the new album? I am waiting with anticipation!!!! 9) The Low Budgets: Same question as number 8. I swear that I am going to stop eating and fast until you and Ween release those new albums! ***UPDATE*** I just found out today that the vocal tracks are currently being done. The release should soon be on the horizon... Chris wants the vocals to be distorted like on the demo CD, but I hope to fuck that that doesn't happen. Also, the first run will be 1000 LP's and 500 CD's. My guess is that there will be more CD pressings later, but this will more than likely be the only pressing of the vinyl. I don't know about you, but I plan on getting both. Valurock for the people! This CD/LP is probabally going to be the best thing since sliced motherfucking bread, if the demo was any indicator! 10) Steve: I love the interactive "not having it" columns! Keep up the good columns, mang! If you are ever in GA, we need to get drunk! 11) Joe: Thanks for every everything. The SBD site is a reality because of you, and golly gee... you make me smile! So, when is that solo album going to be finished? Nothing since "The Bland Years," and that was 1998! It's 2002... "Turd of the Century" needs to see the light of day. 12) The Dead Milkmen: One word: Reunion. All the other 80's bands are doing it! (well, maybe not Husker Du... but THAT would be a great reunion too... if only Bob and Greg and Grant could get along...) But you guys DO get along! Plus... soon you will be 20! (yes, I know that I am asking the impossible... sorry.) Hey, FOD is still around, right... Thinking Time with Lettuce: Hey, when was the last time you actually sat down and thought about the music you love? One thing I enjoy doing is taking a visit to http://www.amazon.com and checking out reviews for albums that I like. It can be pretty fun seeing others who like those weird obscure albums that we SBD people seem to enjoy listening to so much. It is also fun to sit and fume with fury at the jerk-offs who give pointless bad reviews to those cool albums. It is also VERY fun to go give bad reviews to those albums that suck.... such as Staind (underwear?), Limp Bizkit, and the millions of other bands that sound just like them! You know, I once saw some fuck write a bad review about the Minor Threat "Complete Discography" CD, saying something like this: A friend told me to get this CD, that it was hard-core. I want to tell you that it is not, and that if you want hard-core, you should get some early Korn, or some Slipknot. What in the fuck? That is what I am asking... What in the FUCK!!! That creep has no clue as to what hard-core is.... he needs to be strapped to a chair, with headphones glued to his ears, and have FOD blasted into his minuscule brain for an entire WEEK! What do you say? (yes, I am a VERY biased writer, if you couldn't tell) (i ran spell check and the last piece was not greeted too well by it.... but for fuck's sake... korn, staind, and bizkit are NOT proper spellings... can't rock bands spell correctly?) But come to think of it... bands could never spell! Beatles, monkees, and byrds were all mispellings. You know... I'm surprised that Volkeswagon didn't hire the Beatles to advertise their Beetle. Or maybe the cartoon character Beetle Bailey would have been appropriate also. Don't you think? ***outtake from SBD poetry issue one To Heal Myself - Lettuce The shock of a loss of love that was true, almost drove this head of lettuce over the edge. Many lonely nights were spent comtemplating wondering what method would be best to end my life. But now I feel as if the weight has been taken off my shoulders as I now feel as if the time has come in which I can start healing myself. Life is a beautiful thing, each day brings new surprises, some are good, some are bad, but none are life threatening. To have your heart severed from your chest, and stomped on none the less... is probabally the best way to build a stronger you. And if the night starts to feel lonely, and I start to feel down, all I need to tell myself, that someone somewhere out there loves me. ***9.11.02 No-Fi Magazine Outtake First a note: This was kinda a fun thing I had thought up... but I sent it in WAY past the deadline... so Chris Beyond set this one up in the forums section... but for SBD, read it, and send YOUR list to me, at jason.seiple@bozax.com Well, here goes! Hello, I am Lettuce. I, like all Americans do remember 9/11 last year, as well as the exact place I was standing (junk store), and what I was doing (buying an old panasonic answering maching for real cheap, and it was an ugly wood grain) when I heard the news. But this is not what this list is all about. It is about stuff that we remember happening during our lifetimes. I am 23, and have seen some interesting things. Just follow my example, and bingo... you have a list. And they say that our generation consists of a bunch of slackers who don't care about or remember anything! -I remember when Reagan used to interrupt all the cool TV shows with his memory-challenged speachs. -I remember CFC's, and the banning of them. -I remember when the Big Mac came in the earth-polluting stryofoam container. -I remember when the government actually cared about global warming. -I remember the gulf war. -I remember when they would play a song on the radio called "I Want Your Sex!" (talk about subtle pick-up lines) -I remember when AIDS became a major threat. -I remember when the Challenger blew up. -I remember the Exxon Valdez and the big oil spill that fucked-up Alaska's beaches and killed a lot of their wildlife. -I remember when a shit load of people did coke... (no wonder everyone seems to be having to get nose-jobs now... if it doesn't kill you, it'll rot your nose... remember that kiddos...don't do drugs!) -I remember when most of Sesame Streets "sketches" had disco music... and the screenwriters probabally smoked pounds of hash... -I remember when they tried to ban 2 Live Crew's "As Nasty as they Wanna Be" album. (boy... if they only knew where rap was headed.) -I remember listening to the Fat Boys. (you did too, I bet) What kinds of interesting things do YOU remember? ***No-Fi Magazine Outtake (Halloween Issue) Note: Ok, I write stories to make people laugh, but sometimes I write stories to keep myself from actually doing something stupid. I told my friend Morpheus Zero about the story, and he told me it sounded heinous, and that it should never see the light of the day. Well, I haven't always been known for following good advice! La Casa De Lettuce: A Halloween Story There was once a boy named Jason who lived in Botax, Maryland. A month before Halloween, his lover's (can be a girl or a boy, whatever you the reader wish to imagine... isn't fiction fun?) family decided that Jason wasn't good enough for their kid, so they decided to threaten Jason into not communicating with any of them. This sent our protagonist over the edge. While closing up his real feelings to the world, Jason put on his "happy mask." While seeming to be perfectly normal to the rest of the world, Jason's overactive imagination started to hatch a devious plan. He found a disgusting way to gain revenge, on Halloween night. Jason went to work on a costume. It was the costume of an angel, complete with elaborate wings and halo. Jason worked a month on this costume, and finally come Halloween night, it was ready. Once the night came, he put on his costume, which was already too big for him (since he had stopped eating whatsoever), but it did look perfect. He then put some white makeup on his face, to give it an angelic appearance. He then drove around town, downing half a bottle of vodka along while driving. He finally worked up the nerve to do his deed, thanks to "liquid courage." He drove near the family's house, but not near enough that anyone could see his car from the house. He then walked the rest of the way to the house. He walked up to the front porch and knocked. The mother, Ashley, open the door. "Oh isn't that sweet. An angel," she said. "I can tell that that costume either cost a fortune, or took a lot of skill to make." She then turned her head and yelled at the family, "hey everybody, come look at this beautiful costume this person made!" The whole family came to the door to look at this amazing costume. Once everyone was gathered around looking at the costume, which was so beautiful that everyone wondered is this was a real angel at their door, Jason pulled a razor blade out of his pocket (oops, I forgot to mention that he brought those along). "Thanks for killing an angel!" he yelled with a voice that they knew so well. Upon saying this, he started slashing his wrists, so many times that even if anyone tried, they wouldn't be able to get him to a hospital in time to save his life. He fell to his knees as he started to weaken, and finally he lay there motionless, dead. Everyone gathered around to check for a pulse, but found none. While they were feeling for the pulse, they realised that the angel costume was no longer a costume, but that Jason was truely an angel... what a shame that they didn't realise that a month before. Moral: It never is a good idea to fuck with people who have too much imagination. ***Unfinished No-Fi column filled with half-baked ideas... I can't remember when this one was written... possible July? La Casa De Lettuce: The Column What is more America than rock music? The origins are deeply rooted in the music of America... stuff such as the Blues.... and for many years many people have had big LP collections, which in later years just collected dust... at some flea market or thrift store, only to be bought by me. Man, I have so many old albums in my record collection, most of them pretty damn cool, but some of them are stuff that I liked at one point, but lost interest in as my music tastes became more defined... you see, my old dusty LP's in my collection were all purchased by me... I had no nice huge collection of my parents that I could draw off of... I had to buy everything myself... so my collection says a little about who I am... Now, that intro has nothing to do with this column. This column will be fake reviews of albums that don't exist, making fun of albums that do exist... not necessarilly from my collection, so don't make fun of me, please. Album reviews of the month: Frampton Comes all Over Himself (also known as Frampton Comes Out): This was the breakthrough for Peter Frampton, includes his biggest hit "I Want you to Show Me you're Gay," in which he plays his guitar with his penis, making it sound like he's talking into it. He also sticks his guitar up his ass. (thanks to Morpheus Zero for help on this one) Monday Night Fever-the Soundtrack-The famous disco movie, with music supplied by the Pee-Gees, including their biggest hit "Stayin' Dead," this soundtrack brings back the memories of this movie about seventies week-night life... i.e. going to discos after that strenuous first day of the work week, snorting mountains of cocaine to forget about the horrid day that had just presented itself to you. Wondrous (heavy note of sarcasm to be noted here) memories, right kiddos? Feminem-The Slime Hate-me LP- This anglo-rap artist hates himself. This being the case, he wants the whole world to hate him too. He has released a slimey CD just to get everyone in the whole world to hate him. Unfortunately, though, his plan backfired... and now everyone who hates everyone loves him... mainly our disenchanted youth. meow break YoFX-Funky Petting Zoo- I saw this one in the rap section at McDonalds and the cover was rediculous.... some dude be touchin' a llama in a weird place. I love McDonalds rap section, especially when the green touches the ozone in a diagonal blender, and the oval makes a melt over on the pigmy lounge bar and grill of the skies and frosted flakes of dandruff seems too soon for chiva, and you, you, you. Moo. WOof. Meow. Ribbit-jellyfish! I hope you enjoyed my failures..... sbd issue 11 will be out soon, I promise. Adios, Lettuce. ... Does a kaleidoscope look normal on acid? ___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12

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